Penis Commuter
So I'm riding the bus. It's below zero. My brain is frozen. Had a *lovely* day at work. I'm on the bus and I finally get a seat. Yay! The woman next to me is reading Harry Potter. She seems happy. I'm happy, warm, and on my way home. Then all of the sudden, I feel something pressing against my shoulder. Hard. Harder. Even more harderererer. I glance over and I see a man's body. I see a man's torso. And at shoulder level, a man's pelvical area. Suddenly my brain adjusts to the reality of the situation. A MAN'S PENIS IS PRESSING INTO MY SHOULDER. MOTHER OF CHRIST.
Now I've just had a rough day at work. *What else is new*. BUT I really did, and then a man is pressing his penis into my shoulder and I'm thinking "Why me?" Why did God choose me today to have a man press his penis into my shoulder area? Now, the bus is crowded, I'll give the man that much. BUT and I stress a BIG BUT: (singing) oh yeah, hush that fuss, everybody moves to the back of the bus! Remember that song from 1999? Well I do, and it was ringing in my ears the whole time this guy is humping my shoulder bone. When people get on the bus, you are supposed to move BACK. Away from me! But he doesn't. Everyone else has to move past him to get to the back of the bus. So then I figure it out. THIS GUY IS A PERVERT! Naturally, I get my camera phone out. I'm taking pictures of the penis commuter.
Now. There are *penis commuters* everywhere. My new definition of a penis commuter is: A man who thinks that his penis entitles him to act better than or more powerful than a woman. Also a man who thinks that he should be able to put his *penis* anywhere at anytime. Note: penis is representative of many things ie: comments, ideas, projections, judgements, spit.
So I'm dealing with the penis hazard behind me and I'm wondering "who is the penis commuter?" I can't see him. I can only feel him. So: snap snap. (should be snip snip)
NOTICE HOW IN THE FIRST PICTURE I'M PRETTY SURE HE IS LOOKING AT THE CAMERA!!!!!!!!!
So then I deduce, all while the penis is still in my back and he's thrusting himself so far forward that I'm pretty sure there is an imprint of his penis in my coat, THE PENIS COMMUTER KNOWS THAT HIS PENIS IS TOUCHING ME AND HE WANTS THE WORLD TO KNOW HIM AS THE PENIS COMMUTER.
So here he is, his little beattie eyes staring at me through the camera.
And down below his little beattie penis against my stiff uncomfortable body.
The only way to defeat a *penis commuter* is to reveal him or confront him. Eventually, when his pelvis was so on top of me that I thought I might suffocate, I looked up at him and flashed him an expression that stated "I will kill you."
It was then that he finally moved to the back of the bus.
Now I've just had a rough day at work. *What else is new*. BUT I really did, and then a man is pressing his penis into my shoulder and I'm thinking "Why me?" Why did God choose me today to have a man press his penis into my shoulder area? Now, the bus is crowded, I'll give the man that much. BUT and I stress a BIG BUT: (singing) oh yeah, hush that fuss, everybody moves to the back of the bus! Remember that song from 1999? Well I do, and it was ringing in my ears the whole time this guy is humping my shoulder bone. When people get on the bus, you are supposed to move BACK. Away from me! But he doesn't. Everyone else has to move past him to get to the back of the bus. So then I figure it out. THIS GUY IS A PERVERT! Naturally, I get my camera phone out. I'm taking pictures of the penis commuter.
Now. There are *penis commuters* everywhere. My new definition of a penis commuter is: A man who thinks that his penis entitles him to act better than or more powerful than a woman. Also a man who thinks that he should be able to put his *penis* anywhere at anytime. Note: penis is representative of many things ie: comments, ideas, projections, judgements, spit.
So I'm dealing with the penis hazard behind me and I'm wondering "who is the penis commuter?" I can't see him. I can only feel him. So: snap snap. (should be snip snip)
NOTICE HOW IN THE FIRST PICTURE I'M PRETTY SURE HE IS LOOKING AT THE CAMERA!!!!!!!!!
So then I deduce, all while the penis is still in my back and he's thrusting himself so far forward that I'm pretty sure there is an imprint of his penis in my coat, THE PENIS COMMUTER KNOWS THAT HIS PENIS IS TOUCHING ME AND HE WANTS THE WORLD TO KNOW HIM AS THE PENIS COMMUTER.
So here he is, his little beattie eyes staring at me through the camera.
And down below his little beattie penis against my stiff uncomfortable body.
The only way to defeat a *penis commuter* is to reveal him or confront him. Eventually, when his pelvis was so on top of me that I thought I might suffocate, I looked up at him and flashed him an expression that stated "I will kill you."
It was then that he finally moved to the back of the bus.
Comments
Or you could have casually thrown around the last name of Bobbitt.