That's What Trains Were For
In high school, a lot of people drank. I didn't know it then. I realized it about two years after we graduated. I remember a friend showing up to school drunk, and I thought it was joke. Like there was no way she really would drink alcohol on her way to school. But she did. And it wasn't a joke. In fact it wasn't funny at all, because it might have been a problem. Some sort of distraction.
I was so naive to these things. To problems. My biggest problem, it seemed, was the trains. There was always a train on my way to school. On my way home when I was running way too late. On my way to a party where a guy said he'd be for like a half an hour only. On my way to my friends house just when she needs me. It was always there. Like it was waiting for me to arrive at that light and then the gate would go down.
But my parents drilled it into my head, never cross the tracks when the gate is down. And I didn't. I never did. Which is so funny. Like I just never tried to do it. Just to see.
And as the train would go by I would go through this moment of utter complete frustration and lack of control over my destiny. Like I'd never see my life happen. Like the train was ruining my entire life. And then after I had that small temper tantrum I'd lose myself in thought. I'd turn up the radio and I'd just think about something, that was on my mind, and I'd really sit with it. And I'd have to sit with it, because I was forced to sit with it. There was no way out of sitting with myself and just being with myself, you know?
And looking back on that, I think we should have been taught that more often. Like instead of what not to do all the time in school, at home, in church...tell us how to sit with ourselves without the distractions of Super Walmarts, or Texas Roadhouse dinners, or Hoosier Millionaire, or Nintendo, or boyfriends, just how to sit and be. Still.
Not that many people really know how to do that. Which is probably why its not a part of midwestern culture. It's not what we do. So maybe that's what the trains were for.
I was so naive to these things. To problems. My biggest problem, it seemed, was the trains. There was always a train on my way to school. On my way home when I was running way too late. On my way to a party where a guy said he'd be for like a half an hour only. On my way to my friends house just when she needs me. It was always there. Like it was waiting for me to arrive at that light and then the gate would go down.
But my parents drilled it into my head, never cross the tracks when the gate is down. And I didn't. I never did. Which is so funny. Like I just never tried to do it. Just to see.
And as the train would go by I would go through this moment of utter complete frustration and lack of control over my destiny. Like I'd never see my life happen. Like the train was ruining my entire life. And then after I had that small temper tantrum I'd lose myself in thought. I'd turn up the radio and I'd just think about something, that was on my mind, and I'd really sit with it. And I'd have to sit with it, because I was forced to sit with it. There was no way out of sitting with myself and just being with myself, you know?
And looking back on that, I think we should have been taught that more often. Like instead of what not to do all the time in school, at home, in church...tell us how to sit with ourselves without the distractions of Super Walmarts, or Texas Roadhouse dinners, or Hoosier Millionaire, or Nintendo, or boyfriends, just how to sit and be. Still.
Not that many people really know how to do that. Which is probably why its not a part of midwestern culture. It's not what we do. So maybe that's what the trains were for.
Comments
And now I live in an area with NO trains. And I miss them. I actually miss them.
When I go home now and get caught by a train it makes me smile. When I hear the horn (from inside my parents' house even) it comforts me.