Letters to ABC from the Family Members of the Men on The Bachelorette
I admit it. I watch the Bachelorette. My sister and I get together every Monday, watch it, wallow in it, and mostly make fun of it, but should really be making fun of ourselves for buying into the drama. Reality Steve is famous for his interpretations of the show and I give him kudos for making fun of the Ed shorts. My sister and I were ripping on those from the moment we saw them.
I've decided, since I am a comedy writer, that I would like to show you the *letters* that the family members of each man sent to ABC in order to nominate him for the show. I will not write a letter for each man, but only for the most eccentric man that struck my nerve. Enjoy.
David's Mom:
Dear ABC,
The moment I heard that you were going to do your next Bachelorette I was thrilled and told my husband that it was time to get David involved in something that would not provoke a DUI arrest or another domestic abuse case against him. David is my little angel and I want nothing more for him to be happy. But he is not happy. He is an angry boy and I've never been able to pinpoint why. Growing up David had everything he ever wanted. EVERYTHING. Food on the table, soccer, t-ball, baseball and later a brand new camero that we never asked him to pay a dime for. David is full of life. He's always the life of a party. So I've heard. I've heard it so much in fact that I've had to pick him up several times because other girls mothers are so frustrated with him for overturning their coffee tables or starting a fight in their outdoor pool. David means well, just like his dad. I want him to find a darling that he can have by his side, start a family with, and get the wild side knocked out of him. Jillian seems perfect for David because she seems all business and I think she would be a good influence on him. I really hope you choose David and if you do I know that he will take full advantage of the experience in the most exciting way.
Jake's Sister:
Dear ABC,
My brother should be a top pick for the next Bachelorette!!! He is so perfect, perfect, perfect. Jakey has always been my best friend and he even sometimes plays house with me and he loves to do all the housework because he's such a sweetheart! He's only had one serious girlfriend and she broke his heart. Jake is like the Tin Man from the Wizard of Oz. By the time he was in high school he got courage to do whatever he wanted and he became the prince of Texas. For whatever reason girls won't stay committed to Jakey and I truly believe its because he's so sensitive and perfect. Please pick Jakey!!!!!! I love Jakey! Woo woo woo!
Kypton himself
Dear ABC,
You should so totally just do this and pick me for the Bachelorette. Jillian is a shoe in to be my gal and I would so totally marry her if my parents met her and decided she is a good asset to our family. By the way, I was the president of my class and I plan to go into politics after I win the Bachelorette because I'm that likable. If you give me five minutes of your time, in meeting me, you will actually want to marry me yourself.
Ed's Dad
Dear ABC,
Look, Ed, my son, is a confused duck. He lives in Chicago, brings home a different girlfriend every week but never seems happy with anything or anyone he is doing. He works for Microsoft but I'm not even sure he knows who he is anymore. I think Jillian seems a sweet gal, and if my son doesn't totally act aloof, too cool for school, or completely gay on the show, there is a chance that she could convince him that he has a soul and a personality somewhere deep down in the bottom of his favorite pair of cheerleading shorts from 1996. I know that Ed is sensitive and I think somewhere between Theta Chi and a Cubs game he decided it was best to hide any and all emotions at all. If you are looking for an eligible, but slightly colorblind bachelor my son is your man and I hope you will consider him for your show.
Jesse's Brother
Yo! ABC!
My brother is BAD ASS! I mean, he's my little bro so I'm biased but seriously what woman wouldn't want to screw a submissive wine connoisseur. I would (I'm bi curious). Dude, my brother and I go so far back like even before I started growing pot in the vineyard that we share the duties of. Jesse is sort of like me and I'm like a hippie but minus the hair and bluntness. I'm not trying to say that my bro is a huge pussy but I'm also not going to go against that statement. Jesse needs to get laid. He's a virgin. There, I said it. Later.
I've decided, since I am a comedy writer, that I would like to show you the *letters* that the family members of each man sent to ABC in order to nominate him for the show. I will not write a letter for each man, but only for the most eccentric man that struck my nerve. Enjoy.
David's Mom:
Dear ABC,
The moment I heard that you were going to do your next Bachelorette I was thrilled and told my husband that it was time to get David involved in something that would not provoke a DUI arrest or another domestic abuse case against him. David is my little angel and I want nothing more for him to be happy. But he is not happy. He is an angry boy and I've never been able to pinpoint why. Growing up David had everything he ever wanted. EVERYTHING. Food on the table, soccer, t-ball, baseball and later a brand new camero that we never asked him to pay a dime for. David is full of life. He's always the life of a party. So I've heard. I've heard it so much in fact that I've had to pick him up several times because other girls mothers are so frustrated with him for overturning their coffee tables or starting a fight in their outdoor pool. David means well, just like his dad. I want him to find a darling that he can have by his side, start a family with, and get the wild side knocked out of him. Jillian seems perfect for David because she seems all business and I think she would be a good influence on him. I really hope you choose David and if you do I know that he will take full advantage of the experience in the most exciting way.
Jake's Sister:
Dear ABC,
My brother should be a top pick for the next Bachelorette!!! He is so perfect, perfect, perfect. Jakey has always been my best friend and he even sometimes plays house with me and he loves to do all the housework because he's such a sweetheart! He's only had one serious girlfriend and she broke his heart. Jake is like the Tin Man from the Wizard of Oz. By the time he was in high school he got courage to do whatever he wanted and he became the prince of Texas. For whatever reason girls won't stay committed to Jakey and I truly believe its because he's so sensitive and perfect. Please pick Jakey!!!!!! I love Jakey! Woo woo woo!
Kypton himself
Dear ABC,
You should so totally just do this and pick me for the Bachelorette. Jillian is a shoe in to be my gal and I would so totally marry her if my parents met her and decided she is a good asset to our family. By the way, I was the president of my class and I plan to go into politics after I win the Bachelorette because I'm that likable. If you give me five minutes of your time, in meeting me, you will actually want to marry me yourself.
Ed's Dad
Dear ABC,
Look, Ed, my son, is a confused duck. He lives in Chicago, brings home a different girlfriend every week but never seems happy with anything or anyone he is doing. He works for Microsoft but I'm not even sure he knows who he is anymore. I think Jillian seems a sweet gal, and if my son doesn't totally act aloof, too cool for school, or completely gay on the show, there is a chance that she could convince him that he has a soul and a personality somewhere deep down in the bottom of his favorite pair of cheerleading shorts from 1996. I know that Ed is sensitive and I think somewhere between Theta Chi and a Cubs game he decided it was best to hide any and all emotions at all. If you are looking for an eligible, but slightly colorblind bachelor my son is your man and I hope you will consider him for your show.
Jesse's Brother
Yo! ABC!
My brother is BAD ASS! I mean, he's my little bro so I'm biased but seriously what woman wouldn't want to screw a submissive wine connoisseur. I would (I'm bi curious). Dude, my brother and I go so far back like even before I started growing pot in the vineyard that we share the duties of. Jesse is sort of like me and I'm like a hippie but minus the hair and bluntness. I'm not trying to say that my bro is a huge pussy but I'm also not going to go against that statement. Jesse needs to get laid. He's a virgin. There, I said it. Later.
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